Parents and Their Children

Here is a link to a great article entitled, “8 Things You Should Never Say to Your Kid.” These suggestions are applicable to intact families as well as those where the parents of the children are not living together, i.e. divorced, separated, never married, etc.

How to Effectively Co-Parent After Divorce

The following post was written by guest blogger Scott Morgan, a Texas divorce lawyer with the Morgan Law Firm.

Everybody agrees that children thrive in happy two-parent homes. Unfortunately, divorce is a reality for so many families. If you have children, divorce isn’t just the end of a relationship–it is the beginning of a new relationship as co-parents. In the aftermath of a divorce, ex-spouses need to refocus their energy into creating a new relationship that can help their children adjust to their new family circumstances. After practicing family law for nearly two decades I am convinced that if divorced parents would put their children’s interest first and co-parent with their ex (even if deep down, they really dislike him or her), there would be very little post-divorce litigation. Co-parents need to work together to raise happy, well-adjusted children in a stable environment. So here are my top tips on on how to effectively co-parent after divorce.

Tip #1 Leave the Pain of the Divorce Out Of Your Parenting

Your children did not ask for a divorce. Your children did not cause your divorce. Do not punish your children for the actions (or inaction) of your former spouse. Specifically, you should:

• If you need to vent about your former spouse, call a friend or a therapist–do not rely on your child to be a sounding board.
• Avoid taking it personally if (when) your child tells you they prefer something about your former spouse. It is all part of the adjustment.
• Keep negative feelings and statements about your ex-spouse to yourself. Sharing them with your child will only hurt your child.

Tip #2 Communicate with the Other Parent

There is never a circumstance where it is okay to use your child as a messenger or bearer of bad news. Act like an adult and find a way to communicate with your co-parent. See if any of the following ideas can make this easier:

• If you can’t effectively speak to each other, use email or a shared journal to write notes back and forth.
• Technology can help you keep shared calendars up to date. Put important dates on this calendar, and update as soon as you become aware of changes.
• Make sure your co-parent has up to date contact information, including cell phone and email, whenever possible.
• Be sure to share information about school events, birthday parties, and sporting events. Give your co-parent enough notice that they can make make proper arrangements.

Tip #3 Treat the Other Parent With Respect, Whether Deserved or Not

If you are going to have an effective co-parenting relationship with your ex it is crucial that you treat that person with respect. As soon as they feel disrespected by you they are much less likely to be reasonable, to communicate with you, or to do any of the other things necessary for an effective relationship. Then you will be less likely to communicate with them and a vicious cycle has begun. Avoid this negative process by treating the other parent with respect. If it helps, try to deal with them as you would a difficult co-worker.

Co-parenting is not always easy, but it is much easier than the alternative of constantly fighting with your former spouse. The more you can work with your ex to establish an effective co-parenting relationship, the happier your children will be. I’m sure your children’s happiness is something you can both agree on.

You can see more divorce articles and videos on the Morgan Law Firm’s Austin divorce blog.

Just How Long Does it Take to Get Divorced?

As evidenced by this article about the dissolution of Kim Kardashian’s brief marriage to Kris Humphries, Ms. Kardashian did not think her divorce case was proceeding fast enough. Two of the more popular questions that I get asked by clients are “How much does it cost to get a divorce?” and “How long does it take to get a divorce?” The answer to each of these questions is the same, “It depends”. It depends on the actual facts and circumstances of the case and it depends on the jurisdiction where the case is filed. States vary in their practices and procedures. Individual counties can vary their procedures as well.

Some jurisdictions are more pro-active with the processing of divorce cases with the Court setting the schedule for the proceedings of the case. Some are more driven by the parties to the divorce case. If the parties file the appropriate paperwork, the case moves forward; if neither party files the paperwork, the case can languish.

Let’s use a divorce filed in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania for example. A divorce complaint must first be filed to initiate the divorce proceedings. The divorce complaint will set forth the grounds for divorce. Those grounds are frequently requests for divorce on the basis of mutual consent and/or separation in excess of two years. Pennsylvania law does not require the parties to be separated for more than 2 years at the time they file for divorce. Rather, once the parties have been separated for 2 years, then the remaining paperwork can be filed for the entry of a divorce decree. However, if the parties have been separated for more than 2 years at the time the complaint is filed, the appropriate affidavit can be filed at the same time as the complaint.

After the complaint has been filed, the plaintiff has 30 days to serve the other party with the divorce complaint, if the defendant lives in Pennsylvania. If the defendant lives outside Pennsylvania, there is more time to serve. If the defendant is not served within the required period of time, the plaintiff has to reinstate the divorce complaint. Once reinstated, the plaintiff has more time to serve the defendant. It’s it like re-setting the shot clock for the sports fans who read this blog.

Both parties can sign their Affidavits of Consent 90 days after the complaint has been served – Not any time earlier. Some attorneys send the document to clients or unrepresented parties before they can sign the document. Frequently, those attorneys ask the party to sign the document and return it to the attorney undated. Once the 90 days period has elapsed, the attorney would date and file the document. I question the ethics of such practice. A party need not sign an Affidavit of Consent; therefore, if the Affidavit has not been filed, the party has the right to revoke the Affidavit. If there are economic issues to resolve, it is not uncommon for parties to engage in discovery and/or settlement discussions during these 90 days. According to the article about the Kardashian/Humphries divorce, the parties are supposed to be engaging in their discovery process.

Once both parties have signed and filed their Affidavits of Consent, the parties are not magically divorced. There is additional paperwork that must be filed with the Court either to get the grounds approved, so the Court can then decide the economic issues, or for the entry of the divorce decree, if there are no economic issues or if they have were resolved during that 90 day waiting period. The procedure is the same whether one is trying to get the grounds approved or seeking the entry of a decree. An initial set of documents are prepared and then sent to the other side. That paperwork advises the other side that this same paperwork is going to be filed with the Court 20 days later. Once that paperwork is filed with the Court, the Court holds it for another 10 days. That is the party’s last time to object to the entry of either the grounds order or the divorce decree. After those 10 days have elapsed, the file is submitted to a Judge for entry of the order requested. There is way of knowing how long a case can sit on a judge’s desk. Most of the judges in Family Court in Philadelphia have over-booked dockets.

If the request was made for an Order approving grounds for divorce, then once that order has been entered, either party can file the paperwork for the appointment of a Master to address the outstanding economic issues. If the request was for the entry of a divorce decree, the case is concluded once that decree is entered.

My point in explaining this process was to point out that the vast majority of the process to obtain a divorce in Pennsylvania is driven by the filings of the parties. They have some control over how fast or how slow a case proceeds.

I Guess There is an App for That

According to this article, an app for the new iPhone 4s has enable a husband to ascertain the location of his wife through her iPhone. The app at issue is called “Find my Friends” and it lets people find out where people they know are through the location of their iPhones. Of course, there are probably security settings that turn off “Find my Friends”. I would suspect that, had the wife known that her husband had innocently installed the app on her new iPhone, she probably would have turned off “Find My Friends”.

People should be conscious of programs that indicate where they are (Find My Friends, FourSquare, “Check In” on Facebook, etc.) If you really do not want people to know where you are, then you should make sure these programs are closed.

A PACA for Puck and Quinn?

For those of you who follow the television show Glee, you may be familiar with the story line by which the biological child of Quinn and Puck was given up for adoption and adopted by Rachel’s biological mother, Shelby, who had placed Rachel for adoption 16 or so years earlier. In a recent episode, Shelby indicated that she wanted Quinn and Puck to be a part of the child’s life. Later in that same episode, Quinn indicated that she was going to get her child back. This episode raised several interesting issues from the perspective of current Pennsylvania law.

When a child is adopted, unless it is a step-parent adoption, the rights of the biological parents are terminated. That would mean that Puck and Quinn, in the eyes of the Court, are no longer the parents of baby Elizabeth. In most instances, this is a two (2) step process. First, the parental rights of the child are terminated. Those rights can be terminated voluntarily or involuntarily. I would suspect that the biological parents’ rights would have been terminated by agreement, i.e. Quinn and Puck had each voluntarily agreed to have his or her parental rights terminated. Under Pennsylvania law, each parent would have to sign his or her own consent to termination of rights. After the hearing on the termination of parental rights, then there would be a hearing when Shelby would have adopted the child. As part of the adoption process, the Court’s order provides for the modification of the child’s birth certificate to reflect the adoptive parents as the child’s birth parents.

In some instances, the adoptive parents and the biological parents have what is sometimes referred to as an “open adoption.” In an open adoption, there is an agreement among the parties that the biological parents will continue to have contact with the child after the adoption. The frequency and nature of the contact is determined by the parties. It can run the gamut from an annual holiday card with a picture to actual partial physical custody. Such agreements were not always legally recognized by the courts in Pennsylvania. However, with the implementation of Act 101, which became effective on April 27, 2011, such agreements, now called “Post Adoption Contact Agreements” or PACAs, are enforceable and even modifiable by the Court.

The provisions of Act 101 include who can be a party to a PACA, how and when it can be enforced, and how and when it can be modified. Most importantly, it provides who is to be given notice of the right to enter into a PACA. So there is no misunderstanding, there is no right to enter into a Post Adoption Contact Agreement. However, the parties are to be given notice of their right to enter into a PACA. The adoptive parents can decide they do not want the child to have further contact with the birth parents. In turn, the birth parents can decide to withhold their consents to terminate rights. Whether or not there will be a PACA enabling the birth parents to have some contact with the child after the adoption will be the result of negotiation and/or mediation by the parties involved.

So, if this situation with Quinn, Puck, Shelby and the baby Elizabeth took place in Pennsylvania after the effective date of Act 101, unless there was a Post Adoptive Contact Agreement, Puck and Quinn would see the baby if and only if Shelby wanted such contact to take place. At any time, however, without a PACA, Shelby could decide that she no longer wants Puck or Quinn to see the child – and there would be nothing that they could do about it. If there were a PACA, if Shelby were not complying with the PACA, they could petition the Court to enforce the PACA. All they could get in seeking to enforce the PACA is an order directing Shelby to comply. They could not recover any monetary damages. They could not overturn the adoption. The question remains open, however, as to what the sanctions could be if Shelby failed to comply with the Court order directing her to comply with a PACA. If she could be held in contempt of court which could result in a fine or imprisonment. Still, the adoption would not be set aside.

In conclusion, while it makes for interesting television drama, despite her best intentions, Quinn is not going to be able to get her child back. Her rights have been terminated. Of course, I am not going to be the one to tell her. I don’t want to get slushied.

Should You Deal With Debt Before or After Divorce?

The following guest post was prepared by Eliza Collins, a personal finance writer, who regularly posts on debtsettlement.com.
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Divorce is complicated enough. Add debt into the equation and it’s downright messy. What makes it even more complex is that the person whose name is on the credit card or loan agreement is the person the bank holds responsible for the debt. It doesn’t matter who made the charges, who benefitted from the debt, or who the judge determines should pay for the debt. If your name is on the agreement, the bank wants you to pay. And if your spouse files bankruptcy on a joint account, the bank will come after you.

Many people don’t think about debt until they’re already going through divorce, but it could be more helpful to tie up these loose ends before the split is final. Once the divorce is final, you’ll have to go back to court if the spouse doesn’t abide by any repayment agreement the judge ordered. In the meantime, creditors will still come after you for any payments on accounts that include your name. Your credit standing will be affected if you don’t keep up your payments.

Make an Agreement

If you and your spouse are still on good terms before the divorce, you may be able to work out some type of payment plan between the two of you. Pull both credit reports and create a list of the debts that belong to both of you. List the amount of the debt and decide who’s responsible for the debt. Try to keep it friendly. If it turns into a fight or an argument, walk away from the situation and try to approach it later.

This is an exercise that either spouse can do alone, even if the other spouse doesn’t cooperate. Create a list of all the debts you know about and decide who’s responsible for the debt. Be fair. If it’s a debt you created, own up to it. You can try emailing the list to your soon-to-be ex to get their input.

Ideally, you can your spouse can agree on your debt responsibility. From there, take steps to get rid of any joint accounts by transferring the balance to an credit card with your own name, paying off the balance, consolidating, or refinancing the amount. The goal is to enter the divorce with each spouse’s name attached to only his or her own debt.

If you can’t come to an agreement with your spouse, get your attorney involved. Your spouse may be more willing to work with your attorney and if not, both spouses’ attorneys can try to work something out.

Joint Bankruptcy is an Option

If you ultimately cannot come to an agreement or the spouse can’t afford to pay for the debt they’re responsible for, consider filing joint divorce while the two of you are still married. Most of your unsecured debt can be discharged through bankruptcy and you can proceed with the divorce without the debt hanging over your head.

Bankruptcy does have its drawbacks. For one, you’ll have to pass a means test to file Chapter 7 bankruptcy, the one that discharges your unsecured debt. Bankruptcy also stays on your credit report for up to 10 years and can affect your ability to get new credit for several years. If your spouse is considering bankruptcy, it may be better to get on board. Creditors will hold you solely responsible for paying joint accounts if your spouse files bankruptcy alone.

In a perfect situation, you can take care of the debt before the debt. After the fact, it can be a lot messier, especially if your spouse doesn’t keep up with payments they’re supposed to make.

This guest post was written by Eliza Collins, who is a personal finance writer specializing in saving strategies, alternative income and debt relief options. You can read more of her articles at the debt settlement blog.

Nothing contained in this article is intended to substitute for legal advice. It is always in your best interest to consult with an attorney if you have any questions concerning divorce, bankruptcy, or related issues.

Divorce Rings: A Shiny Example of…?

It is not uncommon for divorcees to remake their bridal jewelry into a new ring or pendant better suited to their new, single status so it should be no great surprise that the jewelry industry is jumping onboard. But, to create a line of ‘divorce rings’? Isn’t that taking it a bit too far?

Not only can it appear callous to cash in on an emotionally trying and often devastating event but this also raises a whole slew of questions. What is the proper protocol? As Chiara Atik poses in her article, “Will ‘divorce rings’ catch on?”, does one spouse bend down on one knee, present the ring and ask his/her spouse to divorce them? Are both parties entitled to rings? Which party is required to pay for the ring/s? Can it/they be included in the settlement? The plaintiff requests alimony, child support and a 2 carat, princess cut, Cartier divorce ring.

And better yet, what does the ring indicate? Is it a celebration of newfound freedom or a warning beacon to indicate severe emotional baggage? Or just a new way for women (and men) to compete with one another? Suzie only got a 1 carat ring from Jeff but I made Bob buy me a 3 carat ring from Tiffany’s…

On the other hand, maybe the jewelry industry is on to something…I mean, wouldn’t the concept of impending jewelry help to take the sting out of a crumbling marriage? I can just hear it now, “he may have fathered a child with his secretary but he’s going to buy me one huge divorce ring”. In fact, jewelers should take it one step further and add it to the bridal set. No longer are the engagement ring and wedding band enough; the bridal set of the future has become a trio.

This post was prepared by Christina Glaser, a 1L at Rutgers Law School.